Money and love: Why your partner is your biggest career and financial decision

More than a century ago political activist Emma Goldman wrote that marriage is “primarily an economic arrangement.”

The 109 years since may make some of Ms Goldman’s reasoning irrelevant, but with the new economic conditions comes a revised balance of romances and finances.

And that is the subject of Money and Love, a book from Stanford University Professor Emerita Myra Strober and social innovator—and Strober’s former student—Abby Davisson.

The self-proclaimed “road map for life’s biggest decisions” covers everything from dating to marriage, to having children and where to live, to housework, finances and even divorce —while providing a framework and exercises to help readers make smart decisions with (hopefully ) positive results.

The origins of the book are based on Strober’s ground-breaking class at Stanford University titled ‘Work and Family’which from its inception in the 1970s explored the economic, professional and domestic implications of romantic relationships.

One of the goals of the book is to help readers establish long-term goals with their partner, but the pair believes there is some resistance to recognizing the economic impact of having a partner.

Love or decide?

One of the main causes of troubled relationships is what some call “falling out of love”, but what Davisson might describe as the “slide versus decide” issue.

Such situations may arise from a a couple who decided to live together to save moneywithout mentioning important things like financial goals, household expectations, religion and so on.

By not having those conversations you risk “being on different pages about what transition means,” Davisson explained.

“One person might think you’re on the road to marriage, another person just thinks you want to save on rent. It’s better to make a conscious decision, talk about it, find out where the other person stands, and then get rid of all the negative consequences.

“It’s the same as choosing a life partner, not to say ‘Oh we’ve been together for a long time, we can still get married’, but make a conscious choice and make sure that you both want the same thing in the long run. “

Davisson took Strober’s class in 2008 with her then-boyfriend—now husband—and adds: “These topics, if you don’t talk about them, can come out of the way in ways that can cause youor realize that you are not very compatible and you should get a divorce.”

Back to Elizabeth Bennett

Back then the idea of ​​a “love cure” seemed far-fetched and strange (think Netflix greetings Bridgerton).

Today, it’s standard to expect to be head-over-heels for your partner—with consumers saying that love conquers all.

Strober and Davisson suspect that a A truly successful marriage does not sit entirely in the realm of romanceor just finance.

The fact that Disagreement over money is one of the most common reasons couples divorce suggests that open and honest discussions about personal finances are key, the pair said.

“These two sets of decisions, which society has taught us to separate—one from the head and one from the heart—are unreal and unhelpful to think about it that way. Thinking about your life as a whole, which is important money and love decisions to be made regularly in conversation with your significant other, is the main point of the book,” says Strober.

The labor economist and founding director of the Stanford Center for Research on Women (now the Clayman Institute for Gender Research), continued: “One of the topics of the book is write a prenup before you get married, and advantages and disadvantages of that. In one of my classes one of the girls said, a la Pride and Prejudice: ‘I just broke up with my fiancee, her family wants me to sign a prenup and I told her that if she doesn’t share her money me, I will not share my life with him.’”

“I don’t think we can ever fully go back to the time of Pride and Prejudice,” Davisson—who previously worked on gup Inc. where he serves as president of the Gap Foundation—resounds. “But I think people are aware that money is an issue to talk about before getting marriedso I hope that even if people don’t sign a prenup they will continue the conversations because they set you up as a couple for all the things you have to deal with after the wedding day.

+1 to your resume

Anecdotal evidence from survey respondents is also featured in the book, detailing conversations between couples There are areas of residence for job prospects versus quality of life, moving to be closer to family opportunities versus education, and a need to choose between having children or unrestricted freedom of travel. .

Careers and life partners are intertwined not only because of opportunity and perhaps of childrenbut also in time—with women’s capabilities when working from home drastic shift since the pandemic.

As families are forced to work from a network, research from three experts at The University of Washington Bothell, The University of Minnesota and University of Connecticut found that women reported greater increases in distractions than their male counterparts—especially nonverbal distractions, as well as work-based distractions and the need for multitasking and strange intrusions.

A recent study from The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business found that similarly when husbands and wives work from home, husbands do less family-related work when their spouse is at home compared to when their wife is in the office.

For wives, regardless of whether their husband is at home or not, their family tasks are the same, but report increased feelings of guilt for completing professional tasks through work conflicts. -family.

Both Davisson and Strober emphasize how “dynamic” the home and economic environment has become because of the pandemic, with Davisson adding: “Whoever is at home, of course, will meet the recovery person who comes in the middle of the day, or pick up the kids who are close to school, but what we see is that they are punished in terms of the need to do more tasks and also by not having interactions with work managers.

As a As a result of the shift in remote work policies, couples must also examine not only how to find their significant other remote or hybrid workingbut also the effect of calling back to work.

“Things are is really changing now, and that means couples and individuals need to think more and explain what they are trying to achieve,” Strober added.

“There needs to be a lot of conversation happening between partners—the world is changing rapidly and so last week’s priorities may not be this week’s priorities. It just has to be there more conversation in this time of dynamic change.”

Exercise the conversational muscle

Of course, the positive benefits that Strober and Davisson hope their readers will discover can only be achieved if both partners are willing to talk.

“It’s like developing a muscle—you have to develop the joint muscle of the conversation,” Strober said.

As well as guiding couples through exercises in the book, Strober encourages readers who struggle to initiate such conversations to “slow down and give grace to the other person.”

“Screaming at your partner about issues isn’t going to help anything,” Strober adds. “Whether you’re talking to your parents about considering stopping driving or your spouse about doing more childcare, all of these conversations are time-consuming and slow-moving, the giving grace and being loving is important.”

Davisson has practical advice: go for a walk, get out into nature in a neutral environment and have an incentive at the end.

Although sometimes the conversation can bring both parties together—sometimes it can help couples decide to separate for good.

Strober said after his class several students contacted him to say they had ended relationships, adding: “I’m going to write back and say: ‘Sorry for the pain, but it’s better to know now. than after you get married. ‘”



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